It’s Late; Tell Me I Can Keep Up

I’ll tell you a secret, but this is not a bedtime story nor one of your so-called telltales, tied by unzipped mouths and fancy mind trick. This is not a practice drill that you could repeat whenever you did something wrong.

Depression is not just feeling sad or lonely.
It’s the feeling of not having to feel anything, not wanting to wake up and get up every morning, not having to lose something, you’re just breathing and barely surviving.

It’s the force that keeps us pinned to our beds all day thinking what can we do with our lives, what else do we need to experience for us to be seen and what else do we need to say to make them believe that this is not just acting up nor something they can call “story telling time”.

This is not a bed time story that we could share to all people willing to be entertained and willing to get paid for. This a story from a different view, a story within a story. It has roots and causes that we don’t even know where it occurred; that we don’t even know where it ends.

This is not a tangible feeling that we can easily spill to other people. An unexplainable thought that goes deep down to our core, making us hollow. You think you feel something but can’t decipher which is which.

I’ll tell you a secret, but this is not a bedtime story nor one of your so-called telltales, tied by unzipped mouths and fancy mind trick. This is not a drill.

I wake up feeling this heavy thing in my chest, my mind is bloated with words and finding some good reasons to do something today. Yes, I found one. A very reliable thing when everything is just not right. In the corner of my mind, I found sleep. I slept for two hours more and more hours… and yes finally I found something terribly good to spend the rest of my remaining hours today; to sleep.

While writing, a lot of things blow my mind as if they are not familiar with the term ‘One at a time’. I don’t know if I’m sad because I can’t remember why am I sad in the first place. Suck. I’m having chest pain, migraine, and overwhelming numbness. Adding fuel to fire is the fact that I am not doing anything but there’s body pain.

The next morning, I still feel the same and when I finally have the guts to get up and talk to people, they told me “Get over yourself, I’ve been sad too”.  That’s really unfortunate, having this profound hate with everyone who suffers existential crisis, telling them to stop romanticizing things that are far from the everyday mantra of people. I hate people too. Fair enough.

Minutes became hours and hours to days. Sunlight to moonlight until moonlight becomes weak. It’s not all about me and what’s inside my head but also it is what people thinks of me. I’m not all cracked up; my brain is fine until something triggers me. I know that they are waiting for me to spill the beans for them to make controversy out of it but sorry because this time I won’t. I won’t give them the credit to see how vulnerable I am on the inside.

It’s not like the movies where I’ll take a picture of those piled up medicines I will intake; not like I’ll have this perfectly knotted rope and post it on my sites; not like I’ll have a melodramatic turnaround and say “I’ll kill myself tonight”. If I’m going to do it, I’ll do it in silence, I’ll leave no trace. I won’t be gone with puzzles still unsolved, still scattered for you to decode. That’s the last thing I wanna do to the ones I love, to leave them hanging.

Hush coz this world will never hear you out unless you’re pretty or dying.

But if I really want to die, I did it long before this stigma about mental health become mainstream. I’m still alive, barely breathing. I know that my demons are a part of me; pushing and pulling me but what living is for if you don’t strive to live? I’m in gray space where I want to just vanish and where I want to get a grip of something I could call mine. My inner demons, they just won’t go away but heaven can’t get me now, I’ll fight it. Those angels who left me and taught me to fight alone will be smiling at the end of my journey and say “you made it!”

But in the end, it’s always a matter of choice.

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Take all of your wasted honor.

I think we all have freedom to speak out though sometimes we’re paralyzed by fear, rejection and anxiety that keeps us tied to an old oak tree in the woods.

“End this thing now!” Said a voice behind me. “End everything. One jump and you’ll be free!” How petty.

They’re whispering and I don’t think I can ever survive without my unseen friends in holy spaces. I’m not alone, I know it because there are voices inside my head. Lots of them. Some will lead you to make the right decision, some will make you feel guilty for everything. They’re always fighting. Both forces have points but it’s my call to choose.

*Sigh*

I swear, this isn’t a suicide note.

There are not so many choices in my life, and I must say I always take the path less traveled by. The thought that one could live without friends is so terrifying but the fact that I’m living with a few ‘for keeps’ is so much to satisfy my soul. I love them so much that I could take a bullet for them.

Always been the nonexistent one in a place where I supposed to be seen. I’ve never heard silence quite loud until I’ve heard myself screaming for help. Never doubted my ability to speak for myself, only now. I feel incapable of doing something that I think is right. For some reasons I don’t know. Nonchalantly nodding to an unsolicited opinions from people.

Feeling like I’ve lost my voice.

“I’m in pain can’t you see? I’m keeping everything to myself and and choking on my pride just to make everything okay. That’s not me!” She whispers.

I think they’re friendly but the fact that they’re sheepish wolves give creeps. If one knows something then it must be disseminated to other as if it is a news that can make difference to our society. If one hate someone then they must be hated by their peers as well.

Having the ability to be a ghost at times when I needed to hide, one of the joyous of being me. Embracing the fact that I’m alone in walking the road that I have to take in order for me to be strong. Taking baby steps until I’m fully developed.

As I watch the train goes by so fast, my wondering mind falls at the pit of some existential thoughts that I’m keeping ever since the day I woke up and knew the world. My eyes twinkling, getting weary but my heart doesn’t lose hope that someday, I’ll win victory for humanity.

The killings bothered me so much that it’s an antithesis of something I like the most. And yes, it is gruesome killings in TV series and in movies. Even in books. There’s never a second that my mind enjoy its vacancy because every time I try to calm my pits, there’s always something that comes to my mind. I’m against people who kill. Ironically loving how Dexter kills his victims. To be frank, I don’t like mingling with people that much (only with a few people I trusted) and it makes me sick to my bones how people deteriorate other’s soul by stabbing them behind their backs. Nowadays, I am more afraid that kind people might kill you before you knew it. They’ll shatter you, break you and then play the victim. Cringe worthy isn’t it?

I love it when I see cheerful faces in the crowd, but I’m afraid I might get into trouble for getting along with those who doesn’t meet my wavelength. I always insist that they won’t ever understand me and I’m right. The people who stayed gave me strength. The pure happiness they brought me is the light that I’m safekeeping for years — keeping me away from doing something I will surely regret.

*Rolls eye* “She’s weird”. I will never blame people for not liking me because how can they ever share a part of them when I, myself is not open. I understand.

Sometimes I ask myself “Am I too smart?” But I know, people will agree on one thing, and that is they will disagree. Sometimes I see people laughing at other people and it’s not funny for me. Guess I’m the only one who didn’t get the memo. It’s like I’m wearing a red dress in a black and white ball. I complain too much about my own existence in the world coz I feel like I’m not supposed to exist. “Am I overreacting?” I asked my self today, and my alter ego said no coz it’s the way my reflexes react on a particular situation but my heart tells me I’m stupid for letting people see through me. My vulnerability’s my weakness. I got used to being left behind. Being outside the circle they’re forming, being one step ahead of everything because prevention is better than cure. Like for example I’ll leave before you leave me.

I hate to admit that my anxiety’s getting worse. Everyday I step outside the room that’s been my sanctuary, my world’s getting more bleak. Giving me more reasons to leave. Cringe is the only reaction I can do to make me feel a bit better. I hate myself when it comes to explaining, coz every time I do, my heart feels like it’s about to explode. That’s why I keep it to myself in the form of writing.

I’m not denying the fact that I let people down. Although they always told me “it’s okay”, I still feel the need to be on top of everything. Which is impossible for I am just human. I blame myself for not being good enough. Others told me I’m  too smart and is out of their leagues but the thing is, I just wanted to learn different things in life coz I never know when my time is up. Being called smart is good but when it goes up your head, you might never wanna look down, you might think that there is nothing wrong with you.

I’m contained.

My eyes are covered for me to not see the flaws in my environment and for me to stop thinking about things I can’t change. My ears are plugged with music, so mad that I couldn’t even hear those loud whispers. My lips are sealed. So that I won’t have to speak and let my guards down.

The gut feeling of fear whenever I look someone in the eye as if they can lie any moment drags me down. That’s why I don’t believe it when they say ‘look me in the eye and trust me’ coz it’s the most dangerous thing for me to do. My life would be jeopardized for letting people in. Trust issue is inevitable.

I know I’m not a good daughter, grand daughter, sister and a friend. I’m sorry. I just don’t want all of you to worry every time my mind tells me to do something. When I’m quickly changing moods, I don’t want you to bother. Please I beg you hahaha, I just don’t want to open my mouth and talk every time I’m doing or thinking of something.

I believe that I am the kindest person you’ll meet but definitely not the purest one. I just cannot tell if I am the only one who can observe and see their real colors behind a mask.

I shed tears for people that doesn’t deserve a single salty tear in my eyes. How ironic it could be when the light that shines through the unenlightend spaces was being eaten by the dark itself.

I know, I’m just a lifeless face that soon you’ll forget about.

Being so distant gives me more time to think about my plans in the near future. It’s cringe worthy being so aloof and different in a sea of people but remember, no one could make you feel inferior without your consent.

I’ve done a lot of things that caused pain to the people I love. I always leave without track, without even a clue to what am I feeling. I always make them feel unimportant to me when in fact, I treasure them. So much. So much love that I couldn’t give another day. They don’t understand me and it’s my fault. I won’t let them in.

This won’t be the death of me. Definitely. I’ve been killed a thousand times but I’m still alive and I’m not afraid to be the greatest. There are times when you feel an anchor’s being tied on your feet to drag you down but you can swim to gasp for air and fight. Although you’re dying, at least you died a fighter.

I don’t know where will I be going but definitely I’m not going back to my old self. To distance myself from things that I don’t deserve to experience. I know I needed some cold water to wash away the memories I had. Eliminate the things that drag me down. Petrify the things that throws rock at me when I’m at my weakest. I won’t kill myself, I’m just killing my old self (but sometimes I thought about it). I won’t kill people, I’ll just make them feel like a ghost.
No more hiding in a plain, dull world. No more keeping myself from the pain. I don’t need safe zones to protect my fragile ego.

I must say, I’ve learned a lot of things.

It’s okay to be alone. It’s okay to be smart as long as your feet is tied to the ground. You need to open your eyes to other things that can help you grow. Do not focus on one problem, focus on the solution. Remember that no one in your surrounding have no obligation to understand your personal life. Be thankful for the ones who stayed and the ones who’s been there from the very beginning. Also be thankful to those who left, without them you can’t sail any further for having too many loads in your ship.

I’m ready to fight my demons.

ccto: @tumblrpost

Words from/to myself

Too many years has passed and I am still thinking about what my whole existence is all about. This year, I swore to myself that it’s game time even though I know that everyday is game time for everyone. I did a lot of stupid things, but believe me, it was all out of good intentions that ended up as foolish but great idea I must say. Academics is okay, friends, okay also, life is uhm can I say it is just a piece of cake. A nearly rotten cake. But the one that left me some good experiences was when I was at TDT and PPI. I’ve learned a lot. So much learning that even my tiny brain cannot handle. It’s not about how I became a young professional and a young media practitioner but it is how those things I did during my internship taught me lessons to live by. I’ve realized, upon walking alone with my notepad and my recorder, that it is so much better if you do things your way. Not that you don’t need guidance but it feels great to be the person that your heart is telling you to be.

Every person I meet is a lesson that I will have to treasure for the rest of my life. Some stayed, some took the path they ought to take. It is sad when they don’t take you to where they are going but believe me, if you let go, you are not just letting them grow but you also flower your own garden. I have tons of cringe worthy stuff that I did and it was fun for me. I really want to be alone most of the time, doing my thing and my so called art and poems. Another thing I also realized is that it is better to be the friendless loser than to have tons of people around you  who secretly hates you. There is more to life than being a prisoner of people’s judgments and expectations. In life, you’ll do things greater than meeting somebody else’s standards.

You don’t need safe zones to hurt your fragile ego. You need something really painful to make you realize you are not a ghost to feel numb.You don’t have to tell anyone what are your plans and you don’t have to validate your self-worth all the time just because there is one person who criticize you to the point of reaching your melting pot.

I’m ranting so much but I really do have to say this. I’ve always been insecure about my body because there are lots of body shaming people and I told myself that I don’t have to be so skinny to impress others. I am not a fashion sketch nor a skeletal system sample on a science class. I don’t make fun of plus sized people because they are beautiful as they are and I know how it feels like being down because of insecurities. Accept thyself. The only thing you need to do is to love yourself.

I don’t think I am smart and I don’t know if I can call this “smart-shaming” but anyways, I’ll tell what I feel. People are so in love with their opinions to the point of starting an unhealthy arguments. I mean, words should really build something, not break something. If someone knows something and they are sharing it with others, usually they are branded as Mr&Ms Know it all. Some people are afraid of telling the world how they feel because they are afraid to be slammed by others. (idk what to say anymore. my brain’s malfunctioning)

Moving on, I just wanna say that I love art and music and poems and taking pictures so much. Art is what makes me feel alive with colors when I feel like I am an unsaturated, low-contrasted rainbow. Music gives meaning and justice to what I am feeling everyday. Photography is one of the greatest things that I ever did and I’ll keep doing it until the day I die. As well as poetry. I love giving meaning to meaningless and playing with words is something I cannot let go. And I am so thankful to our Creator for giving me the abilityto appreciate things, even the smallest ones and the less appreciated ones.

I am thankful to the people behind every ups and downs I had. The ones who made me stronger as time goes by and the ones who stood by me and accepted me wholeheartedly. Not all people can. I know. I am really complicated. I need and I don’t need people at the same time. I don’t talk to them and it is really difficult to decipher my movements and behavior but I would like to take this time up to apologize for being hard on people I love. For not letting you know everything that’s happening to me. I always told myself that if I die tomorrow, people would have no idea how I love them that is why I am always putting it into writing. At least they have lead. Oh I’m just kidding. (but I’m really putting everything into writing).

I am not perfect. Neither do all of you. I made terrible mistakes that made other people suffer mentally and emotionally. But believe when I say it’s better that way. I am sorry if I caused you guys pain. I am just a girl who’s wanting to see the endless possibilities of life. I don’t stick to just one stuff coz I am a wayfarer. I am a reader who take books seriously and I don’t mind mixing mundane with surreal things.

I’ve been through a lot. I’m only making this post to release. This is still a work in progress. I’m finishing this by the December 31, 2016 and this would be my closing entry for this year. Other than that, Happy birthday to me. 12-30 1:13am.

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Photo Source: @Aestheticquote

Farewell to the girl you used to know

So much has been said and done, trusting you is like betraying myself. Without me, realizing I’m being eaten up by thoughts that kills me every night. Been drowned by my weakness coz my fragile strength is gone.

So much has been said and done, why aren’t you singing your song for me? Heard it’s a mix of the things you almost forgot we have and the things you awfully hate about me. Tell me, I would like to listen to your symphony of lies.

So much has been said and done, I danced with you and now my feet is aching. I’m trembling and you just stared at me. My soles are swollen for dancing the same old steps that I haven’t really learned.

So much has been said and done, I know the old story but you didn’t bother telling me. White lies isn’t good especially for people who wasn’t born yesterday.

So much has been said and done, I gave you a gun and let you point it straight at me. Trusting you not to pull the trigger but you killed me with your words that goes deeper than the bullet you buried in my head.

So much has been said and done, you told me things I never learn and took something I have to earn. It’s called self respect.

So much has been said and done, I tried singing your songs but turns out you’re just a tune and I’m a lyrics yet to be spoken loudly.

So much has been said and done, I’m completely over the things we did last summer, the words you spoke when we’re at the cafe and the roses that kept me wondering why does love fades like a withering flower.

Words are said and things get done. Things do not change, we do. We could choose to walk away o stay. But what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. I’m done. Finally have the guts to spill those two words.

I’m leaving.

Photo from Pinterest

Remembering our Departed Love Ones

Every year, we rekindle the moments we had with those people we had once lived with. Those people who will never be forgotten because their memories are just inside our hearts wherever we go. Sometimes we feel that they are just around the corner and that they are watching us from afar. For me, I believe that the spirits of my departed love ones are always beside me or right behind me. Once in our life, we experience that numb and chilling feels whenever we are alone. Is it all in our minds or not? But whatever it is, I know deep down my soul that they are protecting me. They are angels now.

Some people are lucky to have grandiose burials but some are blessed to have decent burials while others lay on the ground without a family who visits them. I lurked around Manila South Cemetery and Laloma and I felt sad because some of the graves are uncovered, not properly taken care of and covered with dirt and grass. I asked myself while walking “where’s their family?” Then I thought they might have visited them yesterday. I saw people taking selfies with their departed love ones and I think, it’s a way of telling people that even though their earthly bodies are gone, those who lay on the ground is still with them. Not physically of course but spiritually.

This day’s so quiet even though there are a lot of people in the cemetery. They are very solemn. But others tend to lurk around and throw their trash anywhere they want. They make noises as if there’s no one praying inside the chapel. I just don’t understand why some people are so disrespectful.

Enough with that issue. All souls day is for the dead people but it doesn’t mean we will only remember them whenever it’s November 1st. We should keep in mind that wherever we go, they are watching over us.

#MyThoughtsForToday

A Day out with a friend

Ever done photo walks where you feel like you are a real photographer with a camera hanging on your neck and you are capturing things you don’t know why you even captured? I’ve done that. A lot of times. But this one’s really great and different from the things I do when I photowalk alone. First, I am with my good friend, a high school buddy that up until now, annoys me so much that I couldn’t live without his senseless jokes. Kidding aside. Second, I won’t have to set my camera with a tripod for me to have photo with some artworks I love.

I usually do this alone but for the sake of this annoying but kind-hearted friend of mine, I went out with him to do photo walk. Our first stop is The National Museum which is near Kalaw Ave.

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If you are an art geek and wants to be expose with different kinds of artworks, sculptures and national artists, museums are a place to be. This is actually my first time to go here and I am so stoke to see my favorite artists’ memorabilias. As soon as we entered the double doors of the National Museum, I felt a flush of fever for the artsy ambiance of the building. “Tangina ang ganda” (*curse word* it’s beautiful). That’s what I whispered to my friend. I haven’t been formally introduce my friend. He is Mike, an artsy dude too.

We decided to roam around after taking a picture of Spolarium by Juan Luna, one of the most prominent and well-known Filipino artist. Pinned below was the Spolarium:

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We wandered along the corridors and different art galleries and exhibits. While roaming the building, my friend and I keep on talking about history and politics and people’s way of life, now and then. We can’t help our selves but to be amazed. We were astounded by the artists’ way of expressing thoughts through certain painting strokes and through the paintings itself. It depicts a lot of historic events that has been put into art. I studied every detail of the artworks I have seen inside the museum and I have learned that colors can set the mood of the painting. One notable and remarkable artwork/painting I’ve seen was the painting of Gene Cabrera in 1957 entitled ‘A tragic lesson (The Fall of Bataan)’. It is a painting of people with hollowed faces. They are like grim and actually they have a face of a skeleton. I felt an unexplainable sadness while studying its colors and the picture. The people are nothing but a forgotten dream. Dead and gone. Here’s a picture of it.

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I can’t imagine the tone and feeling of the artists while making their piece. are they strange or insane like me when they do it? A variety of paintings are exhibited inside this and each artist have different ways of how they will let people interpret their art. Like for example, I saw a painting which has a naked women cover with blood. I interpreted it as the Japanese era when those Nihon military officers rape women and kill them for pleasure. No offense meant. I hopped into the next painting and it also has a woman lying on the ground. And also the next one is about a women and her family being drag by men. I realized that it is a series of paintings that depicts violence against women. Here it is.

(I am in the picture because I am a work of art *monkey grin*)

I am living the dream of being a girl in a world of art. Well I have not much to say but I’ll post photographs of artworks in here.

Also I wanna share that I have learned a lot during this trip. I also got some art ideas that I could use when doing a watercolor art, or when drawing using graphite or charcoal. I can mix some of Juan Luna’s style and Emilio Aguilar Cruz’s works. When it comes to painting, my role model includes Luna, Van Gogh (which artworks’ are not belong here) and Felix Resurrecion Hidalgo. Here are some of their works (Van Gogh’s not included)

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Bandera Filipina, by Luna

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Portrait of Juan Luna Y Novicio by Felix Resurrecion Hidalgo

Here are some pictures of some artworks:

Japanese Scenes by Juan Luna Y Novicio, 1886

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Roundel Relief Portrait Bust of Jose Rizal by Isabelo Tampico Y Lacandola, 1910

And since this is a day of taking pictures anywhere, we grabbed the opportunity to take photos of ourselves and the people we see upon walking the streets of Kalaw and Intramuros, the walled city. Here are some.

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and since we came there to support each other, we took photos of each other lol. (support a friend system). I’m his photographer and he’s mine. Using Pentax and Nikon, we took a lot of #bloggerbelike photos and we’re ready to dominate the photography world (and I am kidding). I didn’t mention that he is a broadcasting student from Polytechnic University of the Philippines and I am a comm student. so much for being a copycat dude lol. He’s been my friend since high school and I am glad that we share the same passion, it is photography and art. I won’t make much spectacle about what we have but I will post photos that we took. *Note: If the subject is me then he’s the one taking the photo* *but most of his subject is me so it’s all about me being a M-O-D-E-L for a day.

(Here’s more. Proof that I’m his idol)

To sum this sh*t up, I enjoyed being with one of my trusted friend and of course, you can never go wrong with art and photography. This is just a summary of what we did that day. Part 2 of this will uploaded soon. (and it is all about the things inside the museum)

Ciao.

Thank you for visiting.

San Miguel Bulacan, Thank you.

During our stay in San Miguel Bulacan, I’ve learn a lot from the things we do and of course, the people around me. Like for example, It’s not my habit to take a bath, for real but I really do have to at least a quick shower before we head out for shoot. First of all, the sun is not really hot but it can make you sweat 10 times the usual because being in province means you have to work and when I say work, it is something manila peeps don’t usually do. Another example is that it took me a while to realize I have to wash my clothes because there is no helper there. I’m on my own. I’ve always wanted to have a vacation in some place like this one. Coz I am a dreamy person who wants to go to places I’ve never been before. I seek adventure everywhere I go and even if I know that we have different purpose why we went there, I still had fun doing some things during my free time. Like taking photographs since I am an aspiring photographer. Okay, lame. I feel like a pro that time. In Manila, my cousins are always teasing me for talking to animals like it’s a mortal sin. But there, I’ve learn that caring for other creatures is not a bad thing. I realized I shouldn’t be ashamed of what I do.

I woke up after a long drive from Manila to Bulacan and saw a beautiful  butterfly. It’s a big one actually. I carefully grab my camera because I don’t want to scare that creature away but as I step on the front porch of the house, I tripped. But I found the butterfly still on top of the flower. I took the chance to take it’s picture and here it is.

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I feel so lucky to have her looking at me. Coz she’s looking at different direction and so happen that my weirdness strikes again and I talked to her. I said “Please harap ka naman sakin” and suddenly she did. I feel like Snow White that time. LOL.

First day’s a blast coz I have my dudes with me. We did location scouting for our film (My blog about our film is different) and as you can see, we all look like a tired cows but we are all up for adventure. It’s a week or two of flipflops yey. We don’t have to wear make ups or what. Nor school uniforms and shoes.

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I’ve seen a lot of things I don’t usually see in Manila like a Carabao resting under a tree or taking it’s bath in the river. It gets me ecstatic whenever I see animals as if I have never seen one in my entire life. I always say Hi to a carabao passing by or a bird. Sounds lame but I love talking to them. I even talked to shrubs lol, leaves and flowers.

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“Hey what you looking at?” – Carabao.

It’s green everywhere I look and I feel I’m in some place I longed to see. The wind is talking to me and I can see some colors that vividly hugs me. The tree gives me energy instead of fearing there might be some unseen creature there (just a matter of respect to them). As I said, I took a lot of photos during my stay in Bulacan and I made this blog to share the beauty of nature to you.

You can see some trees that is so lifeless but soon you’ll realize it was once alive like us. Giving shelter to people. Just like us. We die for other people and not for ourselves only. I tend to be so emotional whenever I see dead tree. For me it represents life. When it’s young and full life, it is taken for granted but when it’s old or nearly gone, we look for reasons to revive it. I guess, nature teaches me a lot of life lessons to live by.

In Manila, I rarely see a beautiful sunset coz it’s full of tall buildings that almost covers the sky. Besides, I’m always inside my room. Our homeroom in school is cover with thick curtains. Good thing we have the mehan garden. Going back to Bulacan, there’s a lot of realization that came to me like, if we care for our surroundings a lot, the world will be a better place to live in.

I remember we also took a dip in the river where we collected “tulya” i don’t know what it is but it is like a small clam like thing and the people there cal it tulya so yeah lol. It’s cute and it can be found on the surface of the river. Sad to say I don’t have a picture of Tulya on my drive but it’s still on my cam’s SD. The river is one of the highlights of the film we made and I am so glad that we get to maximized nature’s gifts.

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(sorry it’s kinda blurred)

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This is the big river or “Tartaro” as the people call it.  We have to cross this everyday to get to our shooting place. It’s fun actually and since I’m so tiny, whenever I cross this river, the half of my body gets wet. But I don’t mind because I love the feeling of being soaked in a fresh water.

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I thank this place so much for giving freedom to be myself and for listening to me when I’m telling a story that nobody wants to hear lol. But I’m serious when I say I can hear the wind whisper to me something. It’s not a weird feeling because I’m always talking to the moon every night. Call it lunacy but for me it’s giving a part of myself to nature.

I’ve found myself in this place. Instead of writing poems about how ironic and damp my life is, I’ve written poems of freedom and about nature. I feel free. Also, one of the best part of being in province is that mud is everywhere. You’ll get stuck and it’ll be difficult to release your feet because it’s so sticky. I played with mud also lol. I feel like Peppa Pig for playing in the muddy puddles.

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Province taught me how to appreciate creatures more. Here are some:

and I know this is gross but I think it’s cute to see a Carabao’s poop and a remain of a frog.

I randomly took a photo of these animals who I thinks know that their pic is being taken.

and I could say that I like flowers but not really.

To sum it all up since it’s too long, I enjoyed my stay in Bulacan even though I had some serious sunburn, cuts and scratches, of course wounds. It really taught me how to live without phone or connection to the social media world. I thought I’ll be forever held captive inside my room, doing nothing but to read and to draw. Someday, I’ll travel alone with my camera and my sunny spirit. I know I will travel someday. I live by my granny’s words. “Enjoy your life because it’s you who’ll create your own world. Don’t be corrupted by those words from people who don’t really understand you.” So I’m here, having the time of my life.

I felt like I’m in paradise. This place gave me what I am looking for since the day I entered college. So San Miguel Bulacan, Thank you.

 

I did this journal entry for pleasure purposes. Since writing is very therapeutic.

Disclaimer: Pardon me for typos and grammatical errors.