I Bite My Fingers but Things Cannot Be Reversed.

I heard you’re walking away with something you’re afraid to hear, something I said and something I unconsciously did.

Why? Are you afraid of me? Why does my words scares you away?

We tried walking the same road, bumped into the same rocks and jumped into the same river;

but in this time frame, we’re unlikely to walk the same path,

unlikely to spark a light out of the same stone,

unlikely to swim into the same river – because our currents will never be the same.

We’re walking on worlds paralleled to each other,

your ground is my sky; your sky is my ground.

We’re mirrored but aren’t synchronized, flowing on different directions, falling into different surfaces.

Our eyes are closed while putting our walls up,

too high we can’t even afford to reach out.

As much as we want to be unknown, eyes are linked to our every move.

I climbed down those walls for you but you’re way too comfortable on the ground to even climb up to meet me in the middle.

I told you that I’m no longer heaving for air to breathe because I have none,

but you gave me life and air;

now that you’re gone, I’m just another silhouette.

I thank god for you’re still breathing; you’re luckier than me.

I know, I’m another lifeless face that will be erased from people’s minds days from now.

It’s my fault. It’s all on me. I scared you away.

My apologies my love; tonight I’ll be gone for good.

But,

What scares you the most?

Is it the way I see the world?

or,

you’re afraid of my whole existence?

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Midnight Thoughts 3.0

10/23/17

At 12 Midnight…

“At 4am, I’ll be fine” I said.

Bottles spinning at 12 midnight. I should really pick myself tonight. I’m drowning with salty tears while digging up pieces of yesterday. I never wanted this, never want to see you hurt. This path is dangerous and my tongue’s making out with a flask coz beer bottles are useless when you want to stay calm. Acid’s turning up, world’s spinning ’round, I vomitted a lot even blood and sweat; now I wish I could also vomit bad memories, spill out trash memories.

Bottles stop spinning at 1am. My heart’s pounding not because of the liquor but because of those bottled up emotions I kept for years. Years of agony in silence, inside my room that I kept dark for ages, ever since you turned your back on us. “Am I not worth it to be a daughter? Am I not worthy as a person?” I ask you this in silence, now I have every right to ask you this aloud now that you came back. “Am I not enough?” I’m a daughter and a friend, I hid my depression for years and still hiding it. Are you gonna come and tell me “I’m sorry?” Or come back as if nothing ever happened? I wish I could spill out all those trash memories and reboot my life, but I know I can’t.

At 2am, those pictures are turning into blury faces, if this is a dream then I’d rather wake up feeling pain than feeling nothing at all. Things are shaking like how my world was shaken when you left us. Picture perfect memories are just temporary patches to a bleeding soul. I don’t want this kind of life but this is what you are feeding us. I always close my eyes, wishing you’d come back to the days where my innocence hasn’t been taken away and my silence hasn’t been disturbed. My veins are slightly ruptured for all those loss oxygen you took when you went away when I was just seven. I close my eyes, having this thought of not waking up anymore. I wish I was special.

3am and my friends hate me, they all hate my guts. They are all laughing and asking what is wrong. I passed out at 2:54am, wishing I just passed away. Waking up and feeling the same kind of shit is not what I live for. I’m okay yes I am. But when something triggers me, I often faints and blame the world for letting me grow alone. I’m not alone technically speaking, I have a lot of friends. But emotionally, I’m a travesty.

Minutes passed and I drank coffee, I felt the uneasiness in my veins but I’m fine now. 4am is the time. The waiter says “Closing time ma’am. Finish everything before you run out of time”. That moment I knew that not every hatred should be kept, it should be burried. Chapters are close but seems like you are stuck in the same page, things will get weary but you know that as long as there’s leaf, there will be a next chapter. It’s just that when you were stuck in the saddle, you can choose whether to get back in the game of life or not.

Continue
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Midnight Thoughts 2.0

10/22/17

at 2:48am

I wanna kiss a cigarette filter tonight or maybe just make out with 12 bottles of beer.
Hug a pillow or wraparound the only cold sheet I have in my room.
The concrete ceiling’s starting to crush, make up’s starting to wipe out.
But I’m still here, not In the zone, preparing for a clash.
Still, I’m waiting for the war between my conscious and unconscious state; I never wanted this but ‘this’ chose me.
Those numbered balls I hit during our game is not enough for a person who digs good time and thinks about ending ones suffering.
At this moment, I’m making out with the wind;
So stupid that I even try to grasp it.

Midnight Thoughts

10/22/17

At 2am…

I had a dream. I saw a piece of heaven. I was running far away to a place where nobody knows. I felt so hard but I can’t even complain. Each time I fall in love, I feel unsafe. Never knowing that the unmasked emotions can cause ruptured veins. It’s clear that it is only superficial. They’ll just take you for a ride and leave you in an accident that turns out as assisted suicide. I saw a piece of heaven that night you push me in the waters and put an anchor on my feet. That moment, I felt so alive; leaving you was the best thing I did; that moment, I knew that it’s not a dream.