“Maria Where You’ve Been?”

You left your kid when she was just five years old. Without anything or anyone to hold on to. You left her with her father who is working hard to provide your needs; your wants and desires and all those things you want to have though it’s not a necessity.

You went away with that guy you met at the homecoming party at your Alma matter. It so happens that he’s rich enough to provide for your luxurious life style so you went away and left a real treasure behind. Twenty years passed and you’re still haunted by that incident. The one that made you think twice of leaving your family but went ahead despite of it. You saw how your child ran to you and begged you to stay until she was hit by a ranging car. You cried, tried to run. People saw how you cried. You walked away with your bags and your heart inside your pocket. You never left a single trace for them to find you in case you want them back.

Twenty years of being haunted by the voice your child made. Those screeching sound she made while you were on your way to the door of your old shabby house. You were haunted by those knocks every 12 midnight , those unwanted guests every after 9:30 am, same time when you left your family behind. Those dreams that you cannot decipher which instance In your life is interpreting. All that is clear to you is the face of your dying child, twenty years ago before you left for good. In the morning, since this has been bothering you for many years, you tried to seek professional help. You scheduled an appointment to a clinical psychologist and went ahead the day after you scheduled a counseling session. While driving, you saw a kid running across the street. Somehow, she looked familiar to you. A face you think you’ve seen already, a face that goes in and out of your consciousness. Without your knowing, you nearly hit a group of students in the street. You were so tired and weary as soon as you get to the clinic. You saw the kid again from the street. Something bothers you to the bones, you can’t decipher what it is until the girl gave you a big smile.

As you enter the office, you heard someone greet you with a big smile.

“Hi, I’m Nina, may I know your name?” She replied with “You have my deceased child’s name. I’m maria” you answered with a big frustrated smile, your knees are shaking and you cannot feel your upper torso. “So let’s start with something interesting, what do you do for a living, any hobbies or interest? May I know how are you doing these past few days?” Nina enthusiastically uplifted herself because she’s all nervous. after all, it’s her first ever client after passing the board. You were about to reply when a man dressed in suit and tie came and all the memories stirred your whole body. Without reason, you feel nauseous. It was the man from your dreams rather nightmare; the man that keeps you wide awake at 2 am; the man that your psychologist calls “dad”. It came back to you. Twenty years of agony and pain. The little girl is your daughters’ kid. But you thought that your daughter is dead twenty years ago and your former husband was paralyzed because of the gunshot he took to save you months before you decided to leave them.

“You’re Nina” you were in awe while tears are streaming down your face. “You’re Nina” you repeated it but she doesn’t seem to bother.

“Hi I’m Nina, may I know your name?”

“It’s me, your mother. I came back to you. I’m sorry for what I did to you twenty years ago. I never meant to hurt…”

Before you could continue, you felt that something is just not right.

Your daughter doesn’t recognized you, she doesn’t have solid memories of you at all. All she knows is that her mother is dead because of car accident twenty years ago. She looks at you as if you’re not there, as if you weren’t visible. You thought for a moment that they still have grudges on you.

“Dad, oh you’re here” she gave her father a hug and her father replied with “Practicing again? I told you, you can do it. I know this is your first client but never underestimate the power of the heart. Suffer your client and gave them utmost sincerity.”

“I wish, mom is here” she said.

You shouted “I am here” but they can’t hear you. You touched the frame on top of the psychologist’s table and accidentally dropped it. A moment of silence for both the father and Nina. They looked at their family picture on the floor, it was broken.

“Something’s not right!”

You felt the agony you felt twenty years ago. You hope to find answers but found none.

You don’t know what to do, you ran outside the clinic and you saw the girl again. She’s a lot like Nina when she was young; pigtails, pink dress and she hold Nina’s favorite teddy bear. She smiled at you and say “Hi Granma”. “You can see me?” you ask the girl the same question and she said “It’s you. I can see you in mommy’s family album. I even cut your photo and pasted it on our family tree project in school.” You lean in to the girl and gave her a hug. She said “I thought you were dead, popsie and mommy must have told me lies.” Minutes passed and Nina heard her child’s voice outside while talking to someone. You asked the girl for her name and she said “I’m Maria, we have the same name aren’t we?” the child is giggling outside the clinic.

Nina removed her lab gown and went outside. She asked her who is she speaking with and the child replied “Your mom. Can’t you see her?” Those words left Nina in awe. She don’t know if she’ll be afraid or she’ll cry because it’s her mom.

With a shaky hands she asked “What did she told you?”

“She told me that she’s very sorry for leaving you and popsie alone. She even told me that she’s sorry for letting you on the ground when you had an accident and for leaving you lying on the ground. Mom she’s crying over here.”

The child ran her fingers to the wind, it was like wiping a tear.

A gush of chilly wind ran into her veins. She thought about it for a second. Some parts of what happened twenty years ago are blurry. She sees blood, car, people screaming and her mom. they were both lying on the ground, bathing with their own blood and trying to reach each other’s hands until her father came to her and all went black; until something inside her head aches. It all came back. Blotting in her mind, little by little she remembers it. suddenly it was twenty years ago, she was running towards her mom, she couldn’t see anything because of her tears when a car is rushing towards her, she was about to be hit when someone pushed her, making her hit the ground. It was point zero millisecond, someone carried her and pushed her quickly. She hit the ground,feeling nauseous. With blood bath, she was held by his father and everything went blurry.

But before everything went black, she looked into the eyes of her savior, it was her mom…

She went back in her zone, didn’t noticed the tears in her eyes. Her father saw her on the floor, crying. She said “Mom if you’re out here, I’m sorry I wasn’t able to tell father that you saved me. You could’ve survived too. I forgive you for attempting to leave us, I forgave you even before you left. I’m sorry.”

Your blood rises up, remembering how you died. Your body was cut into two, that is why you can’t feel your upper torso. You tried to reach for your child’s hand but you can’t. You just cried that day. You thought that it was your child’s screeching that you always hear but you it sunk in to your mind that it is your outcry. You screamed of pain and agony, not because you were amputated but because of the fear of not being able to see your daughter’s smile ever again. But you’re thankful that you saw it again through little Maria’s eyes.

Everything went black.

“I forgive you mom, but please forgive me too.” Said Nina

“Mommy, she’s gone. But I saw her smile before she went ahead. She said she loves us.” said little Maria.

Nina fainted, the rest is history.

Whenever Nina has a call at exactly 9:30 in the morning, she’ll answer it with a big smile and said “Thank you mom, I know where you’ve been through, hope you’d get into the light.”

Advertisements

I Bite My Fingers but Things Cannot Be Reversed.

I heard you’re walking away with something you’re afraid to hear, something I said and something I unconsciously did.

Why? Are you afraid of me? Why does my words scares you away?

We tried walking the same road, bumped into the same rocks and jumped into the same river;

but in this time frame, we’re unlikely to walk the same path,

unlikely to spark a light out of the same stone,

unlikely to swim into the same river – because our currents will never be the same.

We’re walking on worlds paralleled to each other,

your ground is my sky; your sky is my ground.

We’re mirrored but aren’t synchronized, flowing on different directions, falling into different surfaces.

Our eyes are closed while putting our walls up,

too high we can’t even afford to reach out.

As much as we want to be unknown, eyes are linked to our every move.

I climbed down those walls for you but you’re way too comfortable on the ground to even climb up to meet me in the middle.

I told you that I’m no longer heaving for air to breathe because I have none,

but you gave me life and air;

now that you’re gone, I’m just another silhouette.

I thank god for you’re still breathing; you’re luckier than me.

I know, I’m another lifeless face that will be erased from people’s minds days from now.

It’s my fault. It’s all on me. I scared you away.

My apologies my love; tonight I’ll be gone for good.

But,

What scares you the most?

Is it the way I see the world?

or,

you’re afraid of my whole existence?