My Favorite ‘What If’

My life is full of ‘What ifs’

What if I never found you in the midst of disaster that I’m already in?

will I ever feel myself again?

will my soul ignite?

There are two things in my life; what they think is good for me, and the good that I feel.

The more I look at you, the more my heart feel the rush.

like the fire up the hill that touches the lunatic glow of the sky.

When I look at you, all I see is the look of the warmest sun.

No lust, no desires,

just purity in your smile.

You touched my soul in the way where even if you don’t hold me, I can feel you in my limbs.

like when I look to the sky, my eyes are blinded by your light,

like when I look at you, everything is out of sight.

There is something in you that I want to explore,

something that no one ever could keep.

Your soul is like a secret, that it takes the bravest person to decode.

You entered my reality and infused it with yours,

though we never had the same mistakes,

though we never had the same memories,

though we never cried the same tears,

though we never had the same life.

There is something in you that I want to touch,

and even if I have no solid grip to you body, your smell lingers in my neck.

We found ourselves tied up to our own branches that hold us tightly,

chained to the past and the surreal vision of tomorrow.

The more I look at you, the more I wanna get laid by your fingers,

the more I gaze at your eyes, the more I wanna memorize every part of you.

I wanna get familiar with your scars, your tears, your flaws,

I wanna know your heart,

your skin,

your whole.

But there is always a but.

II.

We found ourselves in the validation of others,

where I wanna touch your naked skin but it’s forbidden.

where every part of you should be erased,

and I can’t even touch your face.

We are a prisoners of the words ‘Please’ and ‘Enough’

enchained by ‘ let’s still fight’ and ‘let’s stop this’

barricaded by scrutiny and false hope.

The more I look at you, the more I know the word “Sorry”

The more I wanna love you, the more it feels wrong to do so.

I wanna curse the world that created an unfair state where what feels right is wrong for others.

the time and space we are in is a false manifestation of the truth,

lives are twisted by so called faith,

love is tainted by misconceptions of preferences.

life itself is not fair.

“I want to love you”

I told myself while staring at those pictures of yours in my phone.

Love will never be enough in this world,

it isn’t simple.

Everyone’s looking and killing us in their stare.

That “I want to love you” turned into “I want to love you but…”

there’s always a but.

III.

Now I’m staring at my face in the mirror,

asking god why?

Why on earth should love be like this?

all my fears, I threw it in the window,

my feelings, outside the door.

my heart, in the wind; gone.

I lose my soulmate.

the one who shared my spirit with while lying on the bed.

What and if.

Two words that are not as dangerous as it can be,

but if you put it together, it’ll harm the deepest abyss of your soul.

What if I never found you?

will I ever feel the feeling of being loved and being pained?

coz it’s better than feeling nothing at all.

So long my friend,

you’ll always be my favorite mistake,

my every whispers in the wind,

my every step,

and my favorite “What if”.

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Superficial Love

Messy hair and I’m ready to go.

I’m okay with my ripped jeans, and a heart full of fire.

You like me when I put my high heels on,

but I swear I love it when I’m wearing my raggedy sneakers.

You never really liked it when I pull down the car windows,

when I put my shoes in your car seat.

Thinking it’s a shame when your friends asks you what I do.

When I get too ecstatic over a song, you cringe and shut me off,

you try to change the way I look,

you told me not to smoke, not to drink,

but I’m not just your girl.

Guess your love is only superficial,

for your eyes can’t see how deep the ocean is,

for your mind’s fixated on the surface,

for you only see the aesthetic value of the people around you.

My lips are burning red,

like how you corrupt my soul by false manifestation of beauty.

You hate it when I hold up a middle finger to the sky,

I know coz you put your best fake smile.

I am more than just a picture to hang on the wall for a show,

more than just a puppy you hold in the street,

not even a painting to be judged by your critic friends.

When I talk you pretend that you listen,

but I’m not a music on your pod that you reshuffle whenever you feel down.

I’m not a prisoner in your dreamy life.

We play the same game but on different levels,

suffering the same hell but which devil do you have?

You’re an expert on keeping lines blurry,

and all you do is to say sorry.

But I’m sorry if I have to walk away.

I’m meaner than my demons,

guess we’re not in the same hell.

At least you’re inside my mind.

I’ll keep my head up in the sky and whisper my ‘so longs’ to you.

goodbye my angel,

cleanse your soul well.

I’ll meet you when the pages turn and we cross paths again.

Silent Dreams and Starry Sky

Silhouette dreams,

in the night full of tears,

when I feel nothing but fears,

there you came to touch my face.

Carry me into the light,

when shadows were out of sight.

Longing for a shattered soul under the tree,

when lying there, I’m feeling free.

Heaving for air while it cradles my spirit,

the lonely soul’s eyes lit.

like a fire in the mountain,

and a flowing words fountain.

I seized; I stopped for a while,

along with the dreams that dies.

With the warmest of touch, I reach for the sky,

from there, I lift my hands and cry.

I turnsole to hear words I cannot fathom,

only to find out that I, myself is a phantom.

I am the ghost of myself yesterday,

the rising spirit today,

and the every ashes that will fly tomorrow.

My limbs will grow into an exotic flower,

my layers will be scattered,

and the whispers I made will endure.

Gratified to the wind for bringing me back to life,

as I step on the pebbles in the shore,

the breeze reach my inner consciousness,

causing me to spill words like a waterfall.

I am a billion light years haul to the girl who got swept by mistral,

now she’s dancing not only with fire,

but with the hurricane.

Silhouette dreams are made of golden rocks,

when the ocean speaks to your soul,

listen to it.

Falling in obscurity

Every stroke of her hands, you fell for her like daydreaming in the sea,

like a summer breeze during spring,

like a sunset over the roofs of the mountain.

She speaks for art and through your heart.

The thought of her scares me to death,

that any moment you’ll found yourself drawn to her beauty once again,

that any moment you’ll forget how lifeless my face was,

that any moment you’ll turn my love into dust.

I don’t want to play the part of being the girl behind you,

the girl who gaze at you from afar,

the girl who wasn’t at the picture,

the girl whom you forgot about.

Your mind is deeper than the ocean,

that if I dive in, I wouldn’t want to go up to heave for air,

that if I dive in, I’d drown in your tears,

that if I dive in, I’d die peacefully.

But that’s just not the case.

You’ve reached my very soul by digging deeper like what I did to you.

like when the ocean collides with the shadows of the moon,

like when star shines for you,

like what you did to her.

I looked at you looking at her,

wishing you could give me your eyes

where the stars won’t have to shine for me,

when the moon cast a penumbra of secrecy,

and when darkness fall but it don’t matter anyhow.

When my mind is troubled by the emptiness, there you came.

Under an empty sky,

when darkness corrodes the light,

when you feel nausea upon hearing people’s words,

when you lost your sanity over the things that drags you,

You’ve found a desperate soul that matches the level of sanity you have.

 

Under a vast purple sky,

when the outcry of your spirit led you to a wanderer,

when whispers from your mouth came out like a waterfall,

when you tried to heave for breath,

You found an eye to see what’s within you.

 

Under the shade of the tree from the moonlight – yes it appeared,

when you’ve lost it all and your eyes are damped from the words they left you,

when you are just a silhouette,

when you are dead inside,

There came a single soul out of the billions in the world,

who’ll lift you up and save you from drowning.

 

Under the lamppost that is nearly out of light,

when you met my gaze and distracted my shattered mind,

when you tried to sustain air after he broke my chest,

when you held my trembling hands,

when we both knew we’re breathing the same breath,

That moment, we’ve felt so alive.