My life is full of ‘What ifs’
What if I never found you in the midst of disaster that I’m already in?
will I ever feel myself again?
will my soul ignite?
There are two things in my life; what they think is good for me, and the good that I feel.
The more I look at you, the more my heart feel the rush.
like the fire up the hill that touches the lunatic glow of the sky.
When I look at you, all I see is the look of the warmest sun.
No lust, no desires,
just purity in your smile.
You touched my soul in the way where even if you don’t hold me, I can feel you in my limbs.
like when I look to the sky, my eyes are blinded by your light,
like when I look at you, everything is out of sight.
There is something in you that I want to explore,
something that no one ever could keep.
Your soul is like a secret, that it takes the bravest person to decode.
You entered my reality and infused it with yours,
though we never had the same mistakes,
though we never had the same memories,
though we never cried the same tears,
though we never had the same life.
There is something in you that I want to touch,
and even if I have no solid grip to you body, your smell lingers in my neck.
We found ourselves tied up to our own branches that hold us tightly,
chained to the past and the surreal vision of tomorrow.
The more I look at you, the more I wanna get laid by your fingers,
the more I gaze at your eyes, the more I wanna memorize every part of you.
I wanna get familiar with your scars, your tears, your flaws,
I wanna know your heart,
But there is always a but.
We found ourselves in the validation of others,
where I wanna touch your naked skin but it’s forbidden.
where every part of you should be erased,
and I can’t even touch your face.
We are a prisoners of the words ‘Please’ and ‘Enough’
enchained by ‘ let’s still fight’ and ‘let’s stop this’
barricaded by scrutiny and false hope.
The more I look at you, the more I know the word “Sorry”
The more I wanna love you, the more it feels wrong to do so.
I wanna curse the world that created an unfair state where what feels right is wrong for others.
the time and space we are in is a false manifestation of the truth,
lives are twisted by so called faith,
love is tainted by misconceptions of preferences.
life itself is not fair.
“I want to love you”
I told myself while staring at those pictures of yours in my phone.
Love will never be enough in this world,
it isn’t simple.
Everyone’s looking and killing us in their stare.
That “I want to love you” turned into “I want to love you but…”
there’s always a but.
Now I’m staring at my face in the mirror,
asking god why?
Why on earth should love be like this?
all my fears, I threw it in the window,
my feelings, outside the door.
my heart, in the wind; gone.
I lose my soulmate.
the one who shared my spirit with while lying on the bed.
What and if.
Two words that are not as dangerous as it can be,
but if you put it together, it’ll harm the deepest abyss of your soul.
What if I never found you?
will I ever feel the feeling of being loved and being pained?
coz it’s better than feeling nothing at all.
So long my friend,
you’ll always be my favorite mistake,
my every whispers in the wind,
my every step,
and my favorite “What if”.