I think we all have freedom to speak out though sometimes we’re paralyzed by fear, rejection and anxiety that keeps us tied to an old oak tree in the woods.
“End this thing now!” Said a voice behind me. “End everything. One jump and you’ll be free!” How petty.
They’re whispering and I don’t think I can ever survive without my unseen friends in holy spaces. I’m not alone, I know it because there are voices inside my head. Lots of them. Some will lead you to make the right decision, some will make you feel guilty for everything. They’re always fighting. Both forces have points but it’s my call to choose.
I swear, this isn’t a suicide note.
There are not so many choices in my life, and I must say I always take the path less traveled by. The thought that one could live without friends is so terrifying but the fact that I’m living with a few ‘for keeps’ is so much to satisfy my soul. I love them so much that I could take a bullet for them.
Always been the nonexistent one in a place where I supposed to be seen. I’ve never heard silence quite loud until I’ve heard myself screaming for help. Never doubted my ability to speak for myself, only now. I feel incapable of doing something that I think is right. For some reasons I don’t know. Nonchalantly nodding to an unsolicited opinions from people.
Feeling like I’ve lost my voice.
“I’m in pain can’t you see? I’m keeping everything to myself and and choking on my pride just to make everything okay. That’s not me!” She whispers.
I think they’re friendly but the fact that they’re sheepish wolves give creeps. If one knows something then it must be disseminated to other as if it is a news that can make difference to our society. If one hate someone then they must be hated by their peers as well.
Having the ability to be a ghost at times when I needed to hide, one of the joyous of being me. Embracing the fact that I’m alone in walking the road that I have to take in order for me to be strong. Taking baby steps until I’m fully developed.
As I watch the train goes by so fast, my wondering mind falls at the pit of some existential thoughts that I’m keeping ever since the day I woke up and knew the world. My eyes twinkling, getting weary but my heart doesn’t lose hope that someday, I’ll win victory for humanity.
The killings bothered me so much that it’s an antithesis of something I like the most. And yes, it is gruesome killings in TV series and in movies. Even in books. There’s never a second that my mind enjoy its vacancy because every time I try to calm my pits, there’s always something that comes to my mind. I’m against people who kill. Ironically loving how Dexter kills his victims. To be frank, I don’t like mingling with people that much (only with a few people I trusted) and it makes me sick to my bones how people deteriorate other’s soul by stabbing them behind their backs. Nowadays, I am more afraid that kind people might kill you before you knew it. They’ll shatter you, break you and then play the victim. Cringe worthy isn’t it?
I love it when I see cheerful faces in the crowd, but I’m afraid I might get into trouble for getting along with those who doesn’t meet my wavelength. I always insist that they won’t ever understand me and I’m right. The people who stayed gave me strength. The pure happiness they brought me is the light that I’m safekeeping for years — keeping me away from doing something I will surely regret.
*Rolls eye* “She’s weird”. I will never blame people for not liking me because how can they ever share a part of them when I, myself is not open. I understand.
Sometimes I ask myself “Am I too smart?” But I know, people will agree on one thing, and that is they will disagree. Sometimes I see people laughing at other people and it’s not funny for me. Guess I’m the only one who didn’t get the memo. It’s like I’m wearing a red dress in a black and white ball. I complain too much about my own existence in the world coz I feel like I’m not supposed to exist. “Am I overreacting?” I asked my self today, and my alter ego said no coz it’s the way my reflexes react on a particular situation but my heart tells me I’m stupid for letting people see through me. My vulnerability’s my weakness. I got used to being left behind. Being outside the circle they’re forming, being one step ahead of everything because prevention is better than cure. Like for example I’ll leave before you leave me.
I hate to admit that my anxiety’s getting worse. Everyday I step outside the room that’s been my sanctuary, my world’s getting more bleak. Giving me more reasons to leave. Cringe is the only reaction I can do to make me feel a bit better. I hate myself when it comes to explaining, coz every time I do, my heart feels like it’s about to explode. That’s why I keep it to myself in the form of writing.
I’m not denying the fact that I let people down. Although they always told me “it’s okay”, I still feel the need to be on top of everything. Which is impossible for I am just human. I blame myself for not being good enough. Others told me I’m too smart and is out of their leagues but the thing is, I just wanted to learn different things in life coz I never know when my time is up. Being called smart is good but when it goes up your head, you might never wanna look down, you might think that there is nothing wrong with you.
My eyes are covered for me to not see the flaws in my environment and for me to stop thinking about things I can’t change. My ears are plugged with music, so mad that I couldn’t even hear those loud whispers. My lips are sealed. So that I won’t have to speak and let my guards down.
The gut feeling of fear whenever I look someone in the eye as if they can lie any moment drags me down. That’s why I don’t believe it when they say ‘look me in the eye and trust me’ coz it’s the most dangerous thing for me to do. My life would be jeopardized for letting people in. Trust issue is inevitable.
I know I’m not a good daughter, grand daughter, sister and a friend. I’m sorry. I just don’t want all of you to worry every time my mind tells me to do something. When I’m quickly changing moods, I don’t want you to bother. Please I beg you hahaha, I just don’t want to open my mouth and talk every time I’m doing or thinking of something.
I believe that I am the kindest person you’ll meet but definitely not the purest one. I just cannot tell if I am the only one who can observe and see their real colors behind a mask.
I shed tears for people that doesn’t deserve a single salty tear in my eyes. How ironic it could be when the light that shines through the unenlightend spaces was being eaten by the dark itself.
I know, I’m just a lifeless face that soon you’ll forget about.
Being so distant gives me more time to think about my plans in the near future. It’s cringe worthy being so aloof and different in a sea of people but remember, no one could make you feel inferior without your consent.
I’ve done a lot of things that caused pain to the people I love. I always leave without track, without even a clue to what am I feeling. I always make them feel unimportant to me when in fact, I treasure them. So much. So much love that I couldn’t give another day. They don’t understand me and it’s my fault. I won’t let them in.
This won’t be the death of me. Definitely. I’ve been killed a thousand times but I’m still alive and I’m not afraid to be the greatest. There are times when you feel an anchor’s being tied on your feet to drag you down but you can swim to gasp for air and fight. Although you’re dying, at least you died a fighter.
I don’t know where will I be going but definitely I’m not going back to my old self. To distance myself from things that I don’t deserve to experience. I know I needed some cold water to wash away the memories I had. Eliminate the things that drag me down. Petrify the things that throws rock at me when I’m at my weakest. I won’t kill myself, I’m just killing my old self (but sometimes I thought about it). I won’t kill people, I’ll just make them feel like a ghost.
No more hiding in a plain, dull world. No more keeping myself from the pain. I don’t need safe zones to protect my fragile ego.
I must say, I’ve learned a lot of things.
It’s okay to be alone. It’s okay to be smart as long as your feet is tied to the ground. You need to open your eyes to other things that can help you grow. Do not focus on one problem, focus on the solution. Remember that no one in your surrounding have no obligation to understand your personal life. Be thankful for the ones who stayed and the ones who’s been there from the very beginning. Also be thankful to those who left, without them you can’t sail any further for having too many loads in your ship.
I’m ready to fight my demons.