Words from/to myself

Too many years has passed and I am still thinking about what my whole existence is all about. This year, I swore to myself that it’s game time even though I know that everyday is game time for everyone. I did a lot of stupid things, but believe me, it was all out of good intentions that ended up as foolish but great idea I must say. Academics is okay, friends, okay also, life is uhm can I say it is just a piece of cake. A nearly rotten cake. But the one that left me some good experiences was when I was at TDT and PPI. I’ve learned a lot. So much learning that even my tiny brain cannot handle. It’s not about how I became a young professional and a young media practitioner but it is how those things I did during my internship taught me lessons to live by. I’ve realized, upon walking alone with my notepad and my recorder, that it is so much better if you do things your way. Not that you don’t need guidance but it feels great to be the person that your heart is telling you to be.

Every person I meet is a lesson that I will have to treasure for the rest of my life. Some stayed, some took the path they ought to take. It is sad when they don’t take you to where they are going but believe me, if you let go, you are not just letting them grow but you also flower your own garden. I have tons of cringe worthy stuff that I did and it was fun for me. I really want to be alone most of the time, doing my thing and my so called art and poems. Another thing I also realized is that it is better to be the friendless loser than to have tons of people around you  who secretly hates you. There is more to life than being a prisoner of people’s judgments and expectations. In life, you’ll do things greater than meeting somebody else’s standards.

You don’t need safe zones to hurt your fragile ego. You need something really painful to make you realize you are not a ghost to feel numb.You don’t have to tell anyone what are your plans and you don’t have to validate your self-worth all the time just because there is one person who criticize you to the point of reaching your melting pot.

I’m ranting so much but I really do have to say this. I’ve always been insecure about my body because there are lots of body shaming people and I told myself that I don’t have to be so skinny to impress others. I am not a fashion sketch nor a skeletal system sample on a science class. I don’t make fun of plus sized people because they are beautiful as they are and I know how it feels like being down because of insecurities. Accept thyself. The only thing you need to do is to love yourself.

I don’t think I am smart and I don’t know if I can call this “smart-shaming” but anyways, I’ll tell what I feel. People are so in love with their opinions to the point of starting an unhealthy arguments. I mean, words should really build something, not break something. If someone knows something and they are sharing it with others, usually they are branded as Mr&Ms Know it all. Some people are afraid of telling the world how they feel because they are afraid to be slammed by others. (idk what to say anymore. my brain’s malfunctioning)

Moving on, I just wanna say that I love art and music and poems and taking pictures so much. Art is what makes me feel alive with colors when I feel like I am an unsaturated, low-contrasted rainbow. Music gives meaning and justice to what I am feeling everyday. Photography is one of the greatest things that I ever did and I’ll keep doing it until the day I die. As well as poetry. I love giving meaning to meaningless and playing with words is something I cannot let go. And I am so thankful to our Creator for giving me the abilityto appreciate things, even the smallest ones and the less appreciated ones.

I am thankful to the people behind every ups and downs I had. The ones who made me stronger as time goes by and the ones who stood by me and accepted me wholeheartedly. Not all people can. I know. I am really complicated. I need and I don’t need people at the same time. I don’t talk to them and it is really difficult to decipher my movements and behavior but I would like to take this time up to apologize for being hard on people I love. For not letting you know everything that’s happening to me. I always told myself that if I die tomorrow, people would have no idea how I love them that is why I am always putting it into writing. At least they have lead. Oh I’m just kidding. (but I’m really putting everything into writing).

I am not perfect. Neither do all of you. I made terrible mistakes that made other people suffer mentally and emotionally. But believe when I say it’s better that way. I am sorry if I caused you guys pain. I am just a girl who’s wanting to see the endless possibilities of life. I don’t stick to just one stuff coz I am a wayfarer. I am a reader who take books seriously and I don’t mind mixing mundane with surreal things.

I’ve been through a lot. I’m only making this post to release. This is still a work in progress. I’m finishing this by the December 31, 2016 and this would be my closing entry for this year. Other than that, Happy birthday to me. 12-30 1:13am.

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Photo Source: @Aestheticquote
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Savant

You see the world through colors, a kaleidoscopic vision of surreality. How peculiar it would be when they pay attention to prejudices about something as vivid as you.

Loved the world that pushes you to the ground where leaves and barks are the only living things you can feel. Shared what is yours. Shared what are you.

Rationals are those who see art as something to hang on the wall. While you see it as gems in the mine.

Reaching for people that are losing faith on you and waking up everyday wishing that you did not is the worse possible thing you could imagine.

“Carry on” you told yourself while carrying the world on your back and a pierce in your heart. Thinking if you still exist when you feel like you’re just a ghost with a pulse.

Puffing cigarettes while begging for someone to save you. Pretending that someone is holding your shaking hands, telling you “you’ll be okay”.

Eyes damped with tears are a beauty in a strange way and a smile like a shooting star that’s rarely seen.

A masterpiece in your own bizarre way although people sees you as a smoke in the air. Words that your mouth spill is filling those senses of mine because you are deeper than what you appear to be.

For a person who has fondness for rhythm, you can’t seem to make harmony out of your life; who gives life to lifeless, you cannot seem to put colors in your face. Like an unsaturated fire under a vast sky.

Cried but none of them took a second look back. Cried again until you got ill. Hands longing for touch; hate is spilling from your eyes.

Heart’s beating.

You walk through fragile glasses that you broke; drunken by pieces of reality in your mind and got lost in your way. Wasting, losing time. Listened to the voices around you instead of your soul who speaks a thousand words.

Heart’s still beating.

Watched the stars while fading into the night; the fire’s slowly dying and tears are getting heavy.

The last words you said is “It’s perfect”.

 

Note: Photo by Stephen Victor

Farewell to the girl you used to know

So much has been said and done, trusting you is like betraying myself. Without me, realizing I’m being eaten up by thoughts that kills me every night. Been drowned by my weakness coz my fragile strength is gone.

So much has been said and done, why aren’t you singing your song for me? Heard it’s a mix of the things you almost forgot we have and the things you awfully hate about me. Tell me, I would like to listen to your symphony of lies.

So much has been said and done, I danced with you and now my feet is aching. I’m trembling and you just stared at me. My soles are swollen for dancing the same old steps that I haven’t really learned.

So much has been said and done, I know the old story but you didn’t bother telling me. White lies isn’t good especially for people who wasn’t born yesterday.

So much has been said and done, I gave you a gun and let you point it straight at me. Trusting you not to pull the trigger but you killed me with your words that goes deeper than the bullet you buried in my head.

So much has been said and done, you told me things I never learn and took something I have to earn. It’s called self respect.

So much has been said and done, I tried singing your songs but turns out you’re just a tune and I’m a lyrics yet to be spoken loudly.

So much has been said and done, I’m completely over the things we did last summer, the words you spoke when we’re at the cafe and the roses that kept me wondering why does love fades like a withering flower.

Words are said and things get done. Things do not change, we do. We could choose to walk away o stay. But what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. I’m done. Finally have the guts to spill those two words.

I’m leaving.

Photo from Pinterest

Quietus

I’ve seen death so many times,

So agonizing that people chose to choke on every tear they have.

Those times when they’re there physically, but their mind’s elsewhere.

How hard it is to hold back sobs,

When one has to be strong.

Holding an old napkin at the corner, and smiling to hide the hurricane of emotions inside.

Eyes are tired and weary,

But one has to tighten the grip to reality.

Seeing through faith and not by the eye,

Believing that spirits will stay with them.

Dying to see those smiles from the old photographs they have;

A solid thing to remind them that they are loved.

Someone’s whispering a prayer, others are wishing it wasn’t real.

But death isn’t the end of everything.

They’re far but not too far.

Coz love never grows old, nor forgotten.

Even in a world that separates earthly bodies and souls.

Photo source: Deviantart

She’s a woman

She’s beauty,

She’s grace.

And she’s the face of a world so great.

She’s a holster to gun,

And a stingray in the sand.

The ink in your pen,

And the paper in your stone.

A hand that you once hold when you can’t stand,

And the one who gave you wings to fly.

She’s the heart of your soul,

And the blood in your veins.

She’s your father’s roots,

A daughter and a mother.

The one who carried you in thy womb

And the one who let you out of the world.

She’s invincible.

She’s a woman.
Note: A quick poem update by RV

Photo source: Pinterest.com

From Pinterest.com