Too many years has passed and I am still thinking about what my whole existence is all about. This year, I swore to myself that it’s game time even though I know that everyday is game time for everyone. I did a lot of stupid things, but believe me, it was all out of good intentions that ended up as foolish but great idea I must say. Academics is okay, friends, okay also, life is uhm can I say it is just a piece of cake. A nearly rotten cake. But the one that left me some good experiences was when I was at TDT and PPI. I’ve learned a lot. So much learning that even my tiny brain cannot handle. It’s not about how I became a young professional and a young media practitioner but it is how those things I did during my internship taught me lessons to live by. I’ve realized, upon walking alone with my notepad and my recorder, that it is so much better if you do things your way. Not that you don’t need guidance but it feels great to be the person that your heart is telling you to be.
Every person I meet is a lesson that I will have to treasure for the rest of my life. Some stayed, some took the path they ought to take. It is sad when they don’t take you to where they are going but believe me, if you let go, you are not just letting them grow but you also flower your own garden. I have tons of cringe worthy stuff that I did and it was fun for me. I really want to be alone most of the time, doing my thing and my so called art and poems. Another thing I also realized is that it is better to be the friendless loser than to have tons of people around you who secretly hates you. There is more to life than being a prisoner of people’s judgments and expectations. In life, you’ll do things greater than meeting somebody else’s standards.
You don’t need safe zones to hurt your fragile ego. You need something really painful to make you realize you are not a ghost to feel numb.You don’t have to tell anyone what are your plans and you don’t have to validate your self-worth all the time just because there is one person who criticize you to the point of reaching your melting pot.
I’m ranting so much but I really do have to say this. I’ve always been insecure about my body because there are lots of body shaming people and I told myself that I don’t have to be so skinny to impress others. I am not a fashion sketch nor a skeletal system sample on a science class. I don’t make fun of plus sized people because they are beautiful as they are and I know how it feels like being down because of insecurities. Accept thyself. The only thing you need to do is to love yourself.
I don’t think I am smart and I don’t know if I can call this “smart-shaming” but anyways, I’ll tell what I feel. People are so in love with their opinions to the point of starting an unhealthy arguments. I mean, words should really build something, not break something. If someone knows something and they are sharing it with others, usually they are branded as Mr&Ms Know it all. Some people are afraid of telling the world how they feel because they are afraid to be slammed by others. (idk what to say anymore. my brain’s malfunctioning)
Moving on, I just wanna say that I love art and music and poems and taking pictures so much. Art is what makes me feel alive with colors when I feel like I am an unsaturated, low-contrasted rainbow. Music gives meaning and justice to what I am feeling everyday. Photography is one of the greatest things that I ever did and I’ll keep doing it until the day I die. As well as poetry. I love giving meaning to meaningless and playing with words is something I cannot let go. And I am so thankful to our Creator for giving me the abilityto appreciate things, even the smallest ones and the less appreciated ones.
I am thankful to the people behind every ups and downs I had. The ones who made me stronger as time goes by and the ones who stood by me and accepted me wholeheartedly. Not all people can. I know. I am really complicated. I need and I don’t need people at the same time. I don’t talk to them and it is really difficult to decipher my movements and behavior but I would like to take this time up to apologize for being hard on people I love. For not letting you know everything that’s happening to me. I always told myself that if I die tomorrow, people would have no idea how I love them that is why I am always putting it into writing. At least they have lead. Oh I’m just kidding. (but I’m really putting everything into writing).
I am not perfect. Neither do all of you. I made terrible mistakes that made other people suffer mentally and emotionally. But believe when I say it’s better that way. I am sorry if I caused you guys pain. I am just a girl who’s wanting to see the endless possibilities of life. I don’t stick to just one stuff coz I am a wayfarer. I am a reader who take books seriously and I don’t mind mixing mundane with surreal things.
I’ve been through a lot. I’m only making this post to release. This is still a work in progress. I’m finishing this by the December 31, 2016 and this would be my closing entry for this year. Other than that, Happy birthday to me. 12-30 1:13am.