It’s because I am myself

Please don’t love me,

for I am afraid I might fall deeper than you are.

 

Please don’t love me,

I’m crazy and you sorta can’t handle it.

 

Please don’t love me,

for I leave every time without a track.

 

Please don’t love me,

for I’ll come back as if nothing ever happened.

 

Please don’t love me,

for I’m full of bad decisions with good intentions.

 

Please don’t love me,

for I may hurt you for being too close.

 

Please don’t love me,

for always feeling I don’t need someone.

 

Please don’t love me,

for I can make you cry and tears may come –

you don’t deserve it.

rather, I don’t deserve you.

 

Please don’t love me,

for I may doubt your love and blame myself for everything.

 

Please don’t love me,

for I may get mad for no reason and beg you to stay.

 

Please don’t love me,

for I cannot deal with my own life most of the time.

 

Please don’t love me,

for I am a liar for not telling you how much I love you.

pride is killing me.

 

and…

 

Please don’t love me,

for I am myself,

and I’ll always be me.

 

Note: I can’t help but to have and feel anxiety all the time. I won’t be sorry coz it’s me. Even though it’s killing me inside and it affects my whole system.

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“The flower girl”

She seems so nice
With an eyes like an angel
Colors run through her mind – vividly
Like an artist from the past
A beauty
That doesn’t see the beauty of life
You can see her wandering the streets
With her wild flowers
Offering smiles to people
Smile that she can’t give to herself

Thoughts of a lone hunter Part One

Four letters, one word. Love is the greatest thing you’ll ever have. It gives technicolor to your life. You may not see it but you can feel it. It is not always about finding the right one through their physique but it is about merging your hearts and minds as one. It is about getting into somebody’s soul and accepting it as yours.

In my case, I am prepping up for a world domination LOL. I don’t think I can find someone who would accept me and deal with my roller coaster mind. I can be an introvert and an extrovert sometimes (it depends on my mood). Sometimes, I’m like a clown who hides her real identity with thick layer of make up. Forcing myself to smile at things I don’t really understand, even though it breaks me inside. A smile like joker keeps me going even if somebody’s being creep out. I don’t really like what is happening inside me but part of me is telling it is what makes me.

At school, I am socially awkward but not really LMAO. I can deal with people if I have to and I can ignore people if I want to. (Like I said, it all depends on my mood). I don’t really like other people bugging me, ironically, I am an officer so they will definitely ask me certain things. I hate when boys who are overprotective to me like I was born yesterday. There’s a thin line between being a gentleman and a freak (ugh. alienating myself again).

I don’t understand girls sometimes when they are over reacting about things they can’t really change or they can’t get over with. (at one point, why am I really annoyed when I, myself are over fan-girling about bands and certain things too? how ironic). People don’t understand me most of the time. Why do they always call me weird when everybody’s a weird creature too (i mean we have our own differences right?). They don’t get me, I don’t get them too.

I always have anxiety and I can always have time to meditate. You know… by painting, sketching (or other things that include art), playing my Taylor (my guitar), or writing anything. I always have my remedy inside my room, I like being alone and yeah, I am a lone hunter. I don’t go out usually but if I do, I’m always alone. I rarely have companion with me when I go to places. (hoping that someone would make an effort to be with me and listen to what i will say *sigh* and like i said, as if…) I only have my journal and my extra book with me plus music player. Sometimes, I leave my phone at home so no one can contact me while having my Me-time.

Somebody told me, I should let go of everything and be in love. I told that person, “I can’t. I’m not capable of falling in love”. Because this world is crazy and I’m the only one living and loving the craze. I just feel like, no one would ever want to be with a psycho by nature like me, a nut, a goner and a mad girl like me. I feel like I’m going to be a spinster ugh. I am day dreaming today (at this very moment 6:12 pm) thinking about the things that may happen to me in the future.

Can somebody save me from drowning with thoughts?

Lay me your love

Your hands are like magic

swift and smooth

Painting smiles on a board

Collecting words to compile

Alone and isolated

wanna be away

Living with the colors you made

ironic it is –

when you can’t paint your own smile

Don’t wanna fall

can’t take what pain will give

Shielding your self up

building walls inside your mind

kept a close heart

You’re an art

so does your works

People don’t understand; it’s okay

It’s the pain that drives you away

keeping yourself in the world

full of ‘what ifs’ and ‘oh wells’

Capturing the moments through your art

giving inspiration,

when he himself is lost – ironic

Let me paint your life

with vivid colors

share me yourself; I’ll give my whole

Save me from drowning,

and I’ll surrender to you

Letting you have my share of songs,

in a world full of distinct noises

Pull you up and be your fortress

you’re just a man,

and I’m a lone hunter

Take me away from here

and we’ll build a castle of glass

where our souls are united by art,

and together,

we are whole.

Note: I guess, I am just out of my mind when I wrote this coz’ I don’t usually write about love. (I’m a psycho remember?) Its so happen that I am feeling inlove and being in love with the book I am currently reading and it is “The heart is a lonely hunter” by Carson McCullens. I am a lonely hunter (not because I am the only one who prolly’ understands myself) but I am a lone bird wishing to be somewhere else. Away from people but ironically, I am being with people (troll).